


The "AV" Stands For "Adult Video", Right?

by ToiletPaperPrincess



Series: Miscellaneous Fics [18]
Category: Kidou Keisatsu Patlabor | Mobile Police Patlabor
Genre: (but extremely mild), Gen, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-08-01 04:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16277585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToiletPaperPrincess/pseuds/ToiletPaperPrincess
Summary: The squad finds a catalogue advertising Ingram-themed sex toys.  They react about as maturely as you'd expect.





	The "AV" Stands For "Adult Video", Right?

**Author's Note:**

> An incredibly stupid little thing that popped into my head while bored.

There was a letter on official police stationery stapled to the front of the plain manila envelope. Shinobu had to read it three times before she could feel absolutely sure that it said what she’d thought it said.

The envelope lay firmly clasped.

Shinobu glanced at it. She glanced at her watch. She glanced out the window. She glanced at her watch again.

Finally, with a deep breath in through her nose, she stood up, stepped forward, and dropped the envelope on Goto’s desk.

“This seems more like your department,” she said, then went home.

Goto shrugged and opened the envelope without a glance at the letter. Then he too read the letter three times to be sure the discreetly labeled catalogue hadn’t been given to him as a come-on. (Or maybe an _insult_ , given her parting remark.)

“Huh,” he finally said. And he opened the catalogue.

\---

Ota was already beet-red and sweating.

“THEY’RE SELLING _WHAT?!_ ” he shrieked.

“Sex toys.” Goto held up the catalogue, face as impassive as ever. “Patlabor-themed sex toys.”

“So what’re we talkin’, here?” asked Asuma. “Ingram-shaped dildos? Headset-shaped ball gags?”

Ota was visibly shaking. “YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY MOUTH!”

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this,” Shinshi remarked.

Hiromi had his face in his hands and was whimpering softly.

Shinshi adjusted his glasses. “I was always a little suspicious of the Ingram’s crotch winch, myself.”

Like Hiromi and Ota, Noa was red up to the ears. But she never broke eye contact with the catalogue. Finally Goto just gave it to her. She reddened more, but began flipping pages rapidly.

“IT’S THE HEIGHT OF DISRESPECT! THERE’S GOTTA BE A LAW AGAINST THAT, RIGHT, CAPTAIN? WE’RE GONNA ARREST THEM, RIGHT, CAPTAIN?!”

“Aw, lighten up.” Asuma slapped a hand down on the catalogue before Noa could turn the page. “Look, they’ve got gun-shaped stuff too! Want me to buy you one for Christm—”

Ota gave a garbled howl and lunged for Asuma. He ducked away just in time and Ota began chasing him in circles around the office.

“Well, another department is sort of investigating the possibility,” Goto said, absently scratching his head. “Mm. Not about gun toys for Ota”—a scream from across the room—“but about what grounds the metropolitan police might have to serve a cease-and-desist. The higher-ups just wanted us to be, ah, _informed._ ”

“ _Here!_ ” Noa said suddenly.

Ota tripped noisily over a chair, almost caught his balance, then crashed headlong into Hiromi (face still buried in his hands). Asuma, panting slightly, jogged back over to rejoin the group.

“Ingram dildos!” he chirped. “I was _right!_ ”

“Low-hanging fruit,” said Shinshi.

Anyhow, that was only one of several options. No headset-shaped ball gag, but you and your partner could roleplay as a Sexy Police Labor (a vaguely mecha-looking bikini or thong, plus a headband with blocky asymmetrical antennae) and a Sexy Labor Police Person (just a visor, vest and gloves). Most of it was Ingram-themed. Just about every recognizable component of the Ingram had a sexy purpose, from collapsible baton vibrators to disembodied mechanical hands to—

“Ah,” said Shinshi, tapping an image. “What did I tell you? Crotch winch.”

Noa’s gaze was intent.

Asuma smirked at her. “Want me to buy one for _you_ for Chri—”

“They’re all _wrong!_ ” she snapped.

Ota clapped her heavily on the shoulder. “ _THANK_ YOU!” he barked.

“They look nothing like my Pat-chan!”

“ _EXACTLY!_ ” Then Ota blinked. “Wha—”

“ _Look at this!_ ” Noa threw the catalogue onto a desk, bringing her hand down on the offending page. “The big antenna’s on the wrong side! And the winch should be thick and stubby!”

Asuma giggled furiously into his hands. Hiromi finally excused himself from the room.

“The fingers should be _white_ , not black! And _that’s_ not where the truck docking clamps go! It’s wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, _wrong!_ ”

“Hmmm.” Goto sighed. “Well, that rules out Shinohara Heavy Industries from claiming copyright infringement, I suppose...”

Ota expressed his fury that such filthy deviants could get away with such filthy crimes on such a filthy technicality. Noa was on the verge of tears. Asuma was definitely writing up a Christmas list.

“Oy!”

Shige and a handful of mechanics were outside the open doorway, peering in curiously.

“What’s up?”

“INJUSTICE!” Ota.

“ _Injuuuuuustiiiiice!_ ” Noa.

“Ingram-themed sex toys,” said Goto.

“What, _those?!_ ” Shige barked out a laugh. The mechanics with him alternately blanched, reddened or slunk away. “Cheap plastic junk! They fall apart after a week, just ask anyone on the crew. C’mon down to the workshop after hours and I’ll build you something better!”

Then he tromped off down the hall.

\---

The issue, of course, was never resolved. Beyond the catalogue removing the word “police” from that section, anyway.

Shinobu went home, had a long bath, caught the late-night movie, and never allowed herself to think of it again.

Goto went home, had a brief shower, thought briefly about the catalogue, then thought about Shinobu, then showered again.

Shinshi picked up a catalogue to show his wife, but all they got was a new pair of fuzzy handcuffs.

Ota ranted about the catalogue every opportunity he had for a month. A torn-out page of just the gun toys was hidden deep in a desk drawer, covered in hesitant circles and firm Xs.

Noa grumbled but kept her mouth shut. Until she finally worked up the nerve to ask Shige for advice on repainting.

Hiromi called in sick the next day.

And everybody got some terrible Christmas presents.


End file.
